Labor Day-A Mom's View

Labor Day,  for the expectant mom, is the truest definition of hard labor​

​Family planning is particularly popular among many young couples intent on  making their mark on the world, starting careers and having their proverbial baby ducks in a row BEFORE starting a family; however, whether “trying” or proclaiming “whoops”, recognize it's the same boat, so sit back and hang on tight because the next nine months will be a bit bumpy. You heard me, lift your head from your porcelain paradise! 

Initially, the giddy excitement of knowing that you are the vessel that carries another life is overwhelming. The desire to learn everything about this nine-month journey is exceptionally strong, and soon-to-be moms endeavor to read every book and article written about this expedition. Detailed explanations are sought about mood swings, delivery and everything in-between.

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Excitement abounds for first time, soon to be moms; not-so-much for moms who are expecting their second, or third bundle of joy. 

As a new mom, I was totally unprepared for the responsibility I was about to accept. In retrospect, I am certain I would have benefited from a guideline to follow; thus the reason for the following list.

EAT OUT….OFTEN
Daily if possible! For the next four to seven years, it will be necessary to tote a bag full of items everywhere you go. This bag will contain a variety of items (bottles, pacifiers, diapers, baby oil, baby lotion, wet wipes, toys, coloring books, rattles, baby nose aspirator and so on) based on the child’s age. Also keep in mind that it will be a long time before you will be able to enjoy a dinner out without saying the following statements:

• Here, eat this cracker and sit still
• Sit down, NOW
• Sit, I said, don't make me say it again
• Do NOT slide under the table
• Do not run around the table
• Do you want to make a trip to the bathroom to remove a bad attitude
• No, we do not want an appetizer, we need to order NOW
• Do not hit the fork on the table
• Please stop screaming
• Ah the food is finally here, what do you mean you’re DONE

SLEEP IN
Never set an alarm clock. This will be the last time you get to sleep all night for……well, I’m not sure, I’m still waiting.

CLEANING
Not necessary, might as well let it go. It’s time to begin getting used to your new motif anyway.

ROMANCE
Seriously….get over it. Living in your new baby world, you will soon discover that romance is not even listed in the top ten as “I Love You is quickly replaced by “Hey, You Awake?

WHILE WAITING FOR LABOR DAY

• Disregard everything anyone has ever told you. The most important baby staples are cloth diapers (burp rags) and stain resistant carpet
• Meals are always temporary; length of time is the only variable
• Accept the fact that every piece of clothing you own will have your baby’s signature stain on one or both shoulders 
• Don’t become such a germ-a-phobe that you boil everything. (Side Note: Boiled plastic rattles melt together)
• Do not dip pacifiers in syrup as an incentive to promote the pacifier. (Syrup dipped pacifiers result in babies gaining a lot weight quickly and freaks out your pediatrician)
• Understand that you will spend the first year teaching your child to talk and the next seventeen years telling them to be quiet

LABOR DAY ARRIVES
It will seem like an eternity awaiting the arrival of your bundle of joy. Soon you'll attend birthing classes that will make labor sound bearable. (It's a lie!) The phrase, “you will feel discomfort” had to have been written by a man. Discomfort, DISCOMFORT; try anguish, torment, agony or torture, but DISCOMFORT my #?#@#! 

Natural childbirth is popular until experienced. Think about it, were you using natural birth control (if so, how'd that work out for you?)  My advice, for what it's worth, is to begin asking for drugs before you really even need them to ensure that you avoid being told, “I’m sorry, it’s too late.” 

Last but not least, recognize that your spouse has absolutely no clue what to do, what is happening or what to say.  He will make totally insensitive comments, so brace yourself.

Hubby: Do you want to watch TV to take your mind off things?
Me: Do you want to retain the shape of a TV?
Hubby: Just breathe.
Me: Great advice Einstein, the one thing I didn’t have to think about.
Hubby: Focus.
Me: I am focusing, on the PAIN!
Hubby: It’s almost over.
Me: Yea, right, that’s what you said 6 hours ago!
Hubby: I love you.
Me: Yea, yea, like that’ll ever work again.
Hubby: I see the head.
Me: Well, Hot Diggity Dog
Hubby: Push
Me: You’ll think push when I push you out of this fourth floor window
Hubby: The doctor is on his way
Me: Here or does he have another golf game?
Hubby: Do you want some crushed ice?
Me: Yea, stick a block under my fist and I’ll crush it!

When everything is said and done, you will have experienced the ultimate human achievement and will take home with you a beautiful, dependent little life that has absolutely no regard for your fatigue, hunger or emotional state. Ironically, if you are a successful parent, this beautiful, dependent little life will grow into a teenager that has absolutely no regard for your fatigue, hunger or emotional state.

Happy Labor Day!